Don’t Forget The Mothers of Angels on Mother’s Day

Happy Mother's Day to Mom's who let angels hold their babies until they can

Mother’s Day is coming up very soon and I want to remind everyone that not all mothers are the same.  Some mothers have children you can see, others are mothers of angels (mothers who lost their children during their pregnancy, had a still born child or lost a child very young) and there are mothers of living children and angels as well.  Some women who fit in the last category had an early loss then later was had a living child, which is sometimes called a rainbow child, because they were born after the sadness of loss.

 
I am a mother of angels and have not had the blessing of carrying a child full term, or even into the second trimester. Multiples are common on both sides of my family, I ended up getting pregnant the first time with quintuplets (yes, five children.)  I have had other pregnancies that were twins and I have even had single pregnancies, none of these children made it past the first term and another time I will share some of the experiences I had another time.

Please, this Mother’s Day remember those you know who are Mothers of Angels, who lost their pregnancy, infant or child on Mother’s Day.  You know your friend or family member best and know what they may want on that day.  Many Mothers of Angels feel hurt because we are not acknowledged on Mother’s Day, if it was recent just spending time with the woman (or couple) talking and allowing her to guide the conversation if she wants to be around others.   If you were told of the pregnancy and/or loss, no matter the length of time it has been since the loss, grief never goes away it just lessens in intensity unless something triggers it and intensifys the grief like Mother’s Day or the day of loss, each woman is diffrent in triggers. Sometimes just being there is enough, sometimes, it helps to just say you are thinking of/praying for her, and sometimes including such women in meals out in honor of Mother’s Day can help.  

My Babies are Miracles I know personally it is very difficult for me to deal with Mother’s Day, I am reminded of the lives I carried.  In my old church mothers were given a rose on Mother’s Day, I was left out since I felt uncomfortable standing up.  I had no children in the nursery.  I was also uncomfortable due to the circumstances that lead to my pregnancies since I have never been married.  My first pregnancy I felt so much guilt due to the fact I was unmarried, I still loved the children.  The father left me because I refused to marry him just because I was pregnant, this relationship lasted a long time and had many difficulties before and after the pregnancy and in the end we didn’t work out.  I am not trying to start a dialoge about the circumstances of how my children were conceived or the fact I decided to contiune the pregnancies.  I only wish to inform and remind everyone about how difficult Mother’s Day can be to a woman who has lost a child at any age and any stage.

Happy Mother’s Day to all Mothers this Sunday.  I wish all Mothers a day of happy memories, loved ones and comfort.

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Father's Day for all father's of angelsP.S. Since Father’s Day is coming up and I hope that the men who are Fathers to children, angel(s) or both should also be remembered if you knew of the loss.  Men tend to react to a loss differently than women, but it does not mean they do not feel grief or sadness on Father’s Day.  I will not be writing a blog about it since I don’t have a very good experience with the men who fathered my children and cannot speak for other more caring men or married men who were invested in the pregnancy.  Please also keep these men in your thoughts and prayers on Father’s Day.  Please also if you feel he is struggling, sad or grieving from a recent or past loss(es) in an activity or just let him know you are there for him in whatever capacity he may need you.

To all the wonderful People on WordPress:

To all the wonderful People on WordPress:
I am so excited for all the people I met so far on here! I have found such loving, caring, Godly, like minded people here. I look forward to reading new posts day and night and am working on several of my own.

I hope my appointment with my Pain Management Doctor, that I have soon, will help me get the help I need for my rapidly progressing deterioration of my fine motor skills and extreme joint pain I have experienced over the last 4-5 months.

I know that the weather in central Texas early is not helping, but since I am at the last known stage of RSD/CRPS (it is non leathal, just the last stage of one of my chronic pain syndromes. You can read about it on RSDHope’s site, I’m in stage 4) things as simple as a shower or other basic activities are difficult for me.

The friendship, kindness and fellowship I have found here do me good, better than some of my “controlled, triplicate” medications on somedays.

I hope to get some posts I have been working on published as soon as my mind clears up to some of the medications added to my previously 13 prescription medications.

In the interim I enjoy reading your posts and have been reading as many as I can. I am sorry if I ever ask you the same thing twice, I am on a medication called Ketamine in large doses and it affects my minds ability to transform short term memories to long term memories. This in addition to the other medications cause me to write or use a wrong word that is some how associated with the intended word or phrase.

I am praying all of you are doing well and hope to post soon and continue to build friendships and relationships on here as time passes.

With love, care and prayer,
-Modern Day Warrior Princess

  

I Make Pain Look Good.

This is a wonderful post that is about judging people and how much pain, disability or look sick and are chronically ill. I will try to get my own post about this up as soon as possible. Please read and please take care to second think judging someone on how they look.

Wear, Tear, & Care

Take a look at this person.

Because she's all about that bass. (Conceitedly copyrighted by J. W. Kain.) Because she’s all about that bass. (Conceitedly copyrighted by J. W. Kain.)

Take a real good look.

Then ask yourself: Is this person in pain?

She looks fine, you think. She doesn’t have a handicap placard on her car. She doesn’t walk with a cane. She isn’t wearing a brace.  You furrow your eyebrows, and then you think: She looks totally normal. 

The thing is that when this picture was taken, she was in a world of pain. She had three sort-of healed spinal fractures and a calcified nerve cluster. Even though she was smiling under the artful disguise of Microsoft Paint, she was hurting. She was wearing a back brace under that dress. She changed into flats as soon as that picture was taken. She found a place to sit down and close her eyes, trying to match her inhales and exhales to the thud-thud-thudding…

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My Dad and Me

Most of my life my Dad was TDY (Temporary Duty) or Deployed with the USAF so he tried to fit in as much time with my brother and me when he was home. He also remembered to bring us with gifts, not pricey gifts but things to show he was thinking of us, each time he had to go away & normally the gifts were something interesting that was special based on where he had been or custom things made by very skilled native artisans from where he was at for his TDY or Deployment.  I have lovely jewelry, beautiful hand carved jewelry boxes, scarves, Peez dispensers from everywhere he has been, and lastly a stuffed animal or toy from where ever he was stationed while he was away. When I was younger I didn’t have as close of a relationship with my father as I would have loved to have, I loved him, he also loved me, and I figured and loved all that we did together, but he was gone so much and we weren’t able to communicated easily, we weren’t allowed to know where he was and we only got monthly calls when he was gone, letters were nice, but not the same as having him with us.

My Dad, brother and me with him in his Dress Blues a long time ago.

When my Dad decided to stay in the military, the last time before he retired, and had his ceremony was held on Friday, October 13 on Elm St. and then we got orders to move. We knew we could get sent to one of three places Ohio, Hawaii, or Texas. He got orders to San Antonio, Texas and he had to be here January 1st. It was a family joke that we were sent to “Hell” because of when and where the ceremony took place. We were not happy to move here, but in the end I am grateful because of people and experiences I have had since we moved here.
He was deployed to some place in Turkey for four months, which turned out to be the six months before he had to be in Texas. He got home a few days before Christmas and he took the first truck load of household things with him the day after Christmas to San Antonio while we stayed in Virginia to finish my Freshman year and my brother’s Junior year of High school. It was very hard on my Mom and all of us to have him gone for so long. We were blessed with the ability to video chat with him while we were finishing out the school year. My Dad took leave to help us finish packing and make the drive from the coastline of Virginia to Texas. I was too young to drive, so I switch vehicles helping the drivers get food, drink or just communicate with the wakie-talkies we used to stay connected as my Dad drove the truck, my brother drove his car and my Mom drove the family van.
After we moved to Texas my Dad didn’t have to go away TDY or on Deployment as often so I was able to form a much better relationship with him. 

We started to do father-daughter dates where he and I would do something together we both loved. He also was able to help me out with some of my medical appointmets. I had major medical issues all my life, another family joke is that I must have skipped the line in Heaven for health before I was born. My Dad took time off from work to make sure I made it to all of my appointments and would stay with me overnight when I had to stay in the hospital, despite his hatred of hospitals, and made sure I got what I needed when I needed it.
My senior year of High school, 2 weeks before graduation, I was in a major car accident. I called my Dad when my purse was retrieved from the back of my car (it was in my lap when the other car hit mine). My boyfriend at the time was driving and it was his side of the car that took the impact but by God’s grace he was not hurt beyond a small head laceration. I stupidly braced, which I know is just a reflex, and dislocated my wrist, elbow, and shoulder in the accident, got a great concussion and tore all but one tendon that held my spine to my skull. I was so out of it when I spoke to him I was upset about my car being totaled and thought I was banged up but fine. He showed up just in time to see me being loaded into an ambulance on a back board while the EMTs were talking about how they thought I was internally decapitated and the ride would have to be very slow and to not bump me. As I’m sure all of you can imagine this freaked out my Dad. My car was really bad, but all he cared about was me.

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My car after the accident, by God’s grace the impact t-boned, going around 90mph after leaving 20ft. skid marks leading up to where we were hit, the car more towards the front. The front axil was broken and the driver’s side door was split at the window opening about 4ins. The speaker my brother installed for my sound system from the driver’s side door left a bruise on me from it being knocked out of door from the force of the impact.

That accident is what cause my chronic pain syndorme, RSD/CRPS and my Dad made sure the doctor’s listened to me and pushed for them to figure out what was wrong. He took me to all of my pain management appointments and stayed with me after surgeries and even outpatient procedures. I became very sensitive to vibrations so my Dad bought a projector so I could “go to the movies” with him on our Father-Daughter Dates. He would go to the store and buy me candy, popcorn and we would drink soda when we got the projector set up and start the movie. The last few movies we watched on our dates was The Hunger Games and Twilight  Saga, and the rest of the series that had been released on DVD at that time. We had both listened all the books for both books before we saw the movies because we are both dyslexic and audio books made reading easier (plus we could “read” and drive at the same time.)   We both have a passion for books and he found the best books and series for us to listen to and talk about together. When we were reading the Twilight Series my Dad started to joke that I was his Bella since I am as accident prone as Bella is in the books. We discussed many other books and loved it, but only Twilight gave us such a good inside joke. I loved being able to have such intellectual discussions with my Dad. I had always been a Daddy’s Girl and we were close in our own way, but these father-daughter dates really helped us to have a closer relationship that helped me as a young adult and now adult.
My Dad always said I will always be his baby girl, he even changed my ringtone for when he called to Rodney Atkins’ Cleaning this Gun. It was another joke, because he wanted to approve of any boy/young man/man (it changed with age of course) that showed interest in me. He approved of many guys, and those he did have turned out to be great men, who are good with their family or those who haven’t settled down work hard and are good men. The ones he disliked I should have listened to him about, but I failed to and had to learn things the hard way, I know that hurt him. I also know no matter what he loved me and did everything he could to make my life better.
Anyone who has read my prior posts knows my Dad died last March on the 18th. His death was sudden, unexpected and very traumatic to my entire family. My Dad seemed healthy, he had been taking me to my Ketamine infusions and caring for me after them since they tire me out and are hard on my system during the infusion, but effective in helping me function better with the pain levels I have. After an infusion, since I am tall at 5’8″ (which used to be 5’10” before my 3 spinal cord stimulator surgeries) and the nurse is not, he would help me out of the recliner I get the infusion in and tell me to hug him as he lifted me up into the wheelchair that took me to the car he would pull up, another hug to help me get into the car, again when we got home to a transport chair since it was difficult to walk or balance after the first few months and the last time to get onto the couch that was in the “play room” for my niece when she visited.
He used to take me to the infusions and played K-Love (a Christian music station) at my request on the way there and we prayed together to ease my nerves. The last infusion he took me to the same song played every day, Tenth Avenue North’s By My Side with a chorus that really touched me

‘Cause I’ll be by your side wherever you fall

In the dead of night whenever you call

And please don’t fight these hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you

This reminds me of how wonderful his hugs made me feel, the warmth, safe and loved. The night he died I felt too tired and sick (later we found out I had gallstones that were causing me pain and other symptoms) to go down to him and tell my parents I loved them and goodbye before they went to work on our rental property. One tenet had moved out and the house needed some touch ups and cleaning before the house was put up for rent again. I will always regret not doing so, I took my night medications and was getting ready for bed when I got a text from my sister-in-law.

 

image  I had that feeling when I got a text from my sister-in-law that my Dad was sick and being taken to the hospital by an ambulance.  One of my “adopted” brothers (this is someone not related by blood but considered family by everyone, this brother even called my parents Mom and Dad) offered to drive me to the hospital where I thought we would be waiting while he was in surgery or something like that.  I called one of my other adopted brothers and told him what I knew.  If I had been thinking clearly I would have know I was wrong about my Dad being in surgery since my brother by blood told my adopted brother what I did not know and to go home.  I worked in an ER as a medical scribe before I became disabled and I knew when I was being lead to a room where families are told their love one had died.  As soon as I saw where we were being lead by a nurse and a minister I knew I would not be waiting for my Dad to get out of surgery, part of me tried to walk away from the room because as long as I didn’t hear the words there was hope.  My brother and the nurse finally were able to get me to the room and I heard the words I dreaded.  Since they were just waiting on my arrival it was then time to go say goodbye to my Dad.  He was so cold and I fell to my knees at his shoulder.  I tried to warm up his hands that were always so warm, I laid my head on his chest and shoulder praying that I would hear his heart beating. I prayed to God to please let my Dad live and to take me, but it was not my time to go Home yet. I made a promise to my Dad, God and myself that I would never attempt suicide or to hurt myself because my Dad and I had a discussion about how depressed I had been feeling and how I had suicidal thoughts on a regular bases. (I felt depressed due to medical issues I will elaborate on in another post.) My Dad was so saddened by this and begged me not to do so because he believed God had a purpose for my life. I was so upset in the ER room that the doctor had to give me a sedative to help me. My Mom, brother and his wife sent me out to my adopted brother I had called when I got the text who waited for me and was such a kind gentleman to me. He was supportive despite the fact he was beside himself with grief as well, he sat with me at my house until my family arrived home since he knew that I had attempted suicide before after another very personal loss. I assured him that it would not happen and shared with him my promise. When my Mom got home we slept in the same bed because we did not want to be alone.

We bought the Cross with the flolded flag at the foot of it to honer my Dad.

It is coming up on one year since my Dad has died and while I still feel grief daily from when I wake up till I go to sleep I have sometimes when the grief overwhelms me and sometimes it is bittersweet when I remember a happy memory. I talk to my Dad regularly and we have set up a beautiful memorial cross that looks like a folded flag is sitting at it’s base that we are using as a marker for my Dad. We all wanted something we could take with us no matter where we live and because it was my Dad’s wish to be cremated and to not have a grave marker in a grave yard.

My Dad’s Picture and Flag we recieved at his funeral

We also have a place where his flag that was given to my Mom at the funeral, a Willow Tree Angel figurine and a photo of him in my Mom’s room for now until we decide where we want to put it. I have tried holding in all of what I was feeling and have learned that I cannot do that, I lose my temper on friends and loved ones when I do that. I now allow myself to grieve when I need to, by crying, talking about him or just ranting to someone. I know that this sadness and grief will never fully go away, it will only become less intense and lighter the majority of the time. There will always be times that grief will overwhelm me, but I know God would not give me more that I can handle and I can always lay my troubles at his feet.

I hope and pray that not many of you, my friends, have had to deal with this kind of grief of a parent or a loved one who is so close to your heart. If you have I pray for comfort for you and your family, I know that time might make the grief and pain more bearable, but I know that we all need prayer for comfort and peace for the rest of our lives after such a loss.

A Song for Those Who are Missing a Loved One This Christmas

I have  found this song to be so true in what it speaks of, this is my first Christmas since my Father died and it is really hard to get into the spirit.  
I know grief knows no timeline and all loved ones who have died know what I am speaking of that there are moments when all you want is that loved one there and also times when grief overwhelms no matter how much time has passed.  

I hope and pray all who have lost a love one that you keep the happy memories and try to focus on them. I know it is hard, but I pray that we can all find the strength. I know I find myself filled with memories of Christmas with my Dad and the joy, these still bring tears to my eyes because I miss him so much. I have found allowing myself to cry and to talk about those memories to be cathartic. I don’t know if everyone who has lost someone, no matter how long it has been since the loss, wants to talk about that person, but I find I do. I want people to bring my Dad up and share a happy memory or story because that keeps his memory alive in all of us who knew and loved him.

I wish everyone a Merry Christmas (or as merry as it can be), Happy Hanukkah, or whatever you celebrate this time of year. I hope everyone can find time to enjoy their friends, family, loved ones and even the spirit of the season.

 

“Finding Nemo” and My RSD/CRPS

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I used to work a movie theater from age 16, I got the job on my 16th birthday thanks to my brother (who already worked there, and worked there till November of my Senior year when I left due to issues and the fact I wanted to enjoy my Senior year in high school.  One of the biggest movies we had before I left was Finding Nemo, which I screened each copy of it we had before the release date (standard practice) and now have some of the lines stuck in my head forever. 

Two weeks before my graduation, shortly after I had turned 18 I had my car accident that lead caused my RSD/CRPS.  It was 4months after the car accident when I was going to physical therapy (or pain and torture as I jokingly call it) and on what was then a potent mix of pain meds and muscle relaxers that made me a wee bit out of it.  My Mom asked to stop at a Bed, Bath and Beyond and I said it fine, I was done with my PT for the week and it was on the way home.  I took my next dose of meds a little, like 30mins early, due to the pain I was in.  It  didn’t take long to kick in and made me more than a wee bit out of it.

I found one of the microfiber, micro-bead filled pillows and asked my Mom to by it for me, she said yes.  I spent the rest of the time in the store walking around stroking and playing with 1 of the pillows my Mom picked out saying, “I shall call him Squishy, and he shall be mine, and I shall be my Squishy. He_shall_be_my_squishy.PNG  Needless to say many people were stareing at the crazy lady walking with my Mom and wispering because she decided to check out and head home since then I, heck my whole family does too now, call those types of pillows “Squishies,” and my Mom “teases” me by singing Just Keep Swimming when I am having a tough day, but only to see me smile. I hated Finding Nemo because it was one of the last popular *kids* movie the staff and I had to clean the “technicolor yawns” and messy (which is a special kind of messy only sugared up kids can create) theaters we had to clean when the movie was over, it was a love/hate relationship with the movie. Now my squishies and the quotes bring a smile to face and wonderful memories of my Father who died in March of this year. 

That is why Finding Nemo and my RSD/CRPS are connected so much in my mind and quoted often by me now.

What, if any, quote do you strongly associate with something in your life and why?

 

I am Sorry for my Absence

I am so sorry I have not been posting or reading much as of late.  I had to be admitted to the hospital for nausea and vomiting that turned out to be Gastroparesis, which means my GI tract is not working right, you can read the Mayo Clinic information if you wish by clicking on the link.  I am told this is, most likely, a life long disorder and I will just have to rebuild my strength and just adapt my diet and lifestyle to this.  I’m definitely not happy about it, but I will accept it and do all I can to maintain as normal a life as possible.  I always joke that I get all the “pretty bracelets” while in the hospital due to all the alert bands they have to put after the ID band.

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All My “Pretty Bracelets”

I was so blessed to have friends, and family visit me while I was in-patient.  My niece even spoke to me on the phone once, which made me cry because I love her so much and missed her so much.  She asked me if I went to live with God like Grandpa (my Dad died in March), and I assured her I was just “with the doctor,” and that I loved and missed her so much.  She told me she loved and missed me too, this is from a two and a half year old, and she wanted me home soon!  The call made me cry afterwards because of the question and also because I missed her so much.  I live with my Mom and when my Dad died suddenly my Brother and his family moved in with us, so I am used to seeing her daily. I had my day brighten by visits from friends, I even got flowers, a card and and a balloon out of it as get well presents from a dear friend. He even called my Mom to ask what flowers I could have since I happen to allergic to most flowers on God’s green earth.

My Get Well Presents! 🙂

I look forward to catching up on all the blogs I follow, comment and write a few posts myself now that I am home. I have found not having Duluadid running through my veins on top of my normal mediations for my chronic pain and muscle spasms.  I can’t wait to get started.  It is still going to take time for me to rebuild my strength and I still tire easily so it will take a while.   I am getting there slowly, but surely.

Ketamine Club

First rule of Ketamine Club:

You do not post on social media sites when under the influence of your Ketamine Infusion.

Second Rule of Ketamine Club:

You do not call or text anyone while under the influence of your Ketamine Infusion

Third Rule of Ketamine Club

You always share make use new members of Ketamine Club are told everything will be ok and to remember it is just the Ketamine when you have a bad hallucination/anxiety caused by the Ketamine. 

Fourth Rule of Ketamine Club:

You always take care of fellow members of Ketamine Club and check in with each other as often as possible.

Fifth Rule of Ketamine Club:

You always try to share understanding and educated others who are willing to learn about Ketamine Club.

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Now for most people you don’t know what Ketamine is, why it is infused or what the heck is Ketamine Club.  I am happy for you, if you are not a member of Ketamine Club that means you don’t have chronic pain and have not reached the the point that high doses of Ketamine be infused into your body and/or take it orally between infusions to help control your choric pain.  I use Ketamine oral therapy and monthly infusions that are 4 hours a day for 4 days every 30 days.  My monthly infusion began on Monday this week and ends today at 5pm.  I am still a bit out of it from it, but I am at the very tired stage right now.  This month I have afternoon infusions that start at 1pm and end at 5pm.  You can read more about Ketamine Infusions on RSDHope’s website.  There are various ways to do the infusions and therapy, I already shared which type of ourpatient infusions I get.  I can’t wait for this to end and to start rejoining society again.  I know I need these infusions to function better through out the month with the joint benefit of daily oral Ketamine therapy 3 to 4 times a day depending on the amount of pain I am in.  This week of very difficult infusions make each month and my other medications work better to control the symoptoms that can also be found on RSD Hope’s web site, National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke, or the Mayo Clinic.  I am going to go back to following First Rule of Ketamine Club and go to bed and come back Friday night or Saturday when I am fully clear of the Ketamine infusion’s affects and more clear headed.  I suggest anyone interested in Invisible Illnesses/Disablities or Spoon Theory (the description of what is is like to have a chronic illness that may/may not be invisable) on the But You Don’t Look Sick


 

 

I am the Mondern Day Warrior Princess

I wanted to let everyone get to know me a bit in my first post. I am a woman who, through a combination of choices and uncontrolable life events, has had to fight my way to become the woman I am today. I also love spending time with my brother’s children and family. *Note the baby in my arms is my niece, I sadly have not found a husband nor hand any children yet. I have my friends, family and God to thank for helping shape me into the person I am today.

My name on here is a combination of one of my favorite books and movie made from the book, “Sara Crewe”, which is the base for the book “A Little Princess,” and the movie. The movie has been made and remade multiple times and I like many of the movies. My Mom gave me her copy of Sara Crewe when I was young and I still have it sitting on my bookshelf today because I love the story so much. I like the book better than the movies, but the movies on their own are entertaining as well. In all of these the statement, though it might be slightly different depending on which you reference is “I am a princess. All girls are.” which is said by Sara Crewe.

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The second part of my name is about how I am a warrior princess, I like to think of my self in many ways a Self Saving Princess. It also comes from my childhood nickname Zelda that is from Legend Of Zelda that was originally released on the NES in 1986. I don’t think women are above chivalry, or should get upset if a kind man opens a door for us, but I believe that women are able to do so much more than has been expected from us in the past. I also am a warrior because I deal with several chronic medical issues that have left me disabled. I had a choice to give up or to keep pushing on and I chose the latter, I fight everyday to keep going and to surviving. I hope to someday find my prince and once that happens I will have another person to fight beside me and help lift me up when I stuggle.

I am blessed to have a family who loves me and supports me through all of my ups and downs I have gone through in my life thus far. I am also blessed to have friends who accept me for the person I am, not expecting me to conform to what they think I should be. I sadly have lost friends to expectations and others to their own inabliltiy to accept me for me, including my perspective and beliefs.

I have some post planned to raise awareness for medical syndromes and diseases I find to be woefully misunderstood and/or rarely known by the majority of people. I like to also write about debatable topics and love to hear rebuttals from others. In addition to these topics I hope to also write about things going on in my life with hopes to share the joy, pains and lessons of Faith that come along with me growing a woman and a person.

I hope to meet others through this blog to be friends and also people who enjoy discussing topics so that we might both learn and grow together.

I look forward to reading comments, learning and finding other blogs to expand my mind and spirit with as well.